Can my marriage be saved?

Are you going through a troubled relationship, and asking yourself, “Can my marriage be saved?” Well it can. 50 years ago, this was rare question. Today sadly up to 50% of marriages end in divorce. Each divorce is a tragedy. Whatever happened to the And they lived happily ever after dream?

We want our relationship to last forever when we fall madly in love. What can we do to make it last? Doomed marriages can be saved. Recent relationship research explains what we need to understand to make our love last.

According to a recent National Center for Health Statistics survey, 86 percent of 18- to 29-year-olds in the USA expected their marriages to last a lifetime. Unfortunately the reality for half of these couples is the dream of a lifelong marriage is a delusional expectation in the heady euphoria of infatuation.

The chance that a couple marrying today will celebrate their 20th wedding anniversary is only:

• 52% for women and
• 56% for men

On the positive side, ethnic cultural background shows that making a marriage work has a lot to do with an attitude within that culture, which is why the pre-60s generations were less likely to divorce, than the post-60s generations. Figures for 20 year long marriages are:

• 70% non-USA born Hispanic men and Asian women stay married.
• 50% Caucasian women and Afro-American men stay married.
• 36% of Afro-American women stay married.

Changing attitude might not happen overnight, it might need some time to mature, but changing an attitude is definitely doable. If you are having a difficulty in your marriage, find the cause of the problem and do not argue over symptoms. Looking at the major predictors for failed marriages, it is not falling out of love (a perceived symptom) that is the problem, but everyday stress factors that are to blame. Removing the stress brings the feeling of being in love back again.

Falling out of love is very rare. What usually happens is that these everyday pressures get so overwhelming that the emotions of love don’t get a chance to surface.

When a partner has an affair this is not some “new love” it is lust freed from the realities of life. Going to a lover without responsibilities may feel like “love,” and returning home where reality hits, it might feel like “out of love.”

Love endures

Circumstances are the major causes for divorce. Don’t make it personal. Blaming each other for the circumstance is a lose/lose situation. Instead of blaming, ask questions about the circumstances and situation. “Why?” and “What can we do about it?” are far more powerful as a problem solver than “You always” or the variation, “You never.”

The major circumstances that destroy relationships and suppress the feeling of love are:

• Financial worries and problems
• Stress at work or getting to and from work

The energy used to deal with the stress drains away energy that would otherwise be spent in being together as a couple. Researchers found that partners behaved most negatively on days that most stressful. These same days the partners felt less satisfaction in their marriage relationships.

Couples who are stuck in stress situations feel exhausted and cannot renew their energy are most in danger of divorce.

the two most common complaints that couples have are:

• Desire more affection from their partner.
• Difficulty with effective communication with their partner.

Finding the basic cause for your marital problems and dealing with that can bring your energy back to levels where you fall back into love. Remember falling out of love is a symptom of stress suppressing those good emotions feelings that want to come to the surface.

The next article will be about tips and hints to bring passion back into your relationship. Surprisingly, it is not the big things that matter, but small everyday gestures that have the greatest impact.

What is the reason for the problems in your marriage?

• Is it a cheating spouse? The emotional hurt can heal.
• Is it that you do not communicate any more? This can be fixed.
• Are you drifting apart for no apparent reason? This situation can be turned around.
• Have you suffered abuse or domestic violence? If so you are not alone as the article on domestic violence fact and fiction shows. An abusive spouse is a clear sign that you should break up.