5 Warning Signs of an Abuser for Men

Note on gender usage:

Disclaimer: Men are also victims of domestic violence, “she” and “her” are used for the abuser and “he” and “him” for the victim. This is used here as a convenience to avoid confused he/she she/he sentences. Women can also be violent abusers but their abuse is often different to that of male abusers. The women’s page is here.

Recognizing an abuser is a skill that everyone needs especially decent sesitive men.

Warning Signs

Before an abuser starts emotionally, psychologically or physically abusing her victim, she typically demonstrates her abusive tactics through certain behaviors.

The following are five major warning signs and some common examples:

1. Charm
2. Isolation
3. Jealousy
4. Emotional Abuse
5. Control

1. Charm

This is the most deceitful warning sign, as good women are also charming. Abusers can be very charming. In the beginning, she may seem to be a sweet caring woman. This behavior is used when they are in their version of “infatuation.” They are great listeners, but while the truly good person will be listening with empathy, the abuser listens to get information that can be used against her victim as soon as her “infatuation” stage is over.

She can be an excellent listener, considerate, engaging, thoughtful, and charismatic. She may use that charm to gain very personal information about you. She will use that information later to manipulate you to her advantage.

For example; she will ask if you has ever been abused by anyone. If you says, “Yes”, she will act shocked that anyone could treat such a wonderful man as you that way. Then when she becomes abusive, she will tell you no one will believe you if you talk about her abusive behavior because you said that before. So it must be your fault or two people would not have treated you the same way.

Another example; she may find out something embarrassing in your past. She will then threaten you that if you tell anyone about the abuse she will tell others about your embarrassing secret.

The threat to take away your children, and that you will not have access to them, is one of the most common threats woman abusers use to maintain power and control over their victims.

2. Isolation

Abusers isolate their victims geographically and socially. Geographic isolation includes moving the victim from his friends, family and support system (often hundreds of miles), moving frequently in the same area and/or relocating to a rural area.

If she says, “Let’s not visit those friend, because they don’t like me,” then the warning bells should be ringing.

Social isolation usually begins with wanting the man to spend time with her and not his family, friends or co-workers. She will then slowly isolate him from any person who is a support to him. She dictates whom he can talk to; she tells him he cannot have contact with his friends or family.

3. Jealousy

Jealousy is a tool abusers use to control their victim. She constantly accuses you of having affairs.

If you goes to the grocery store, she accuses you of flirting with the grocery clerk. If you goes to the bank, she accuses you of flirting with the bank teller.

4. Emotional Abuse

The goal of emotional abuse is to destroy the victim’s self-esteem.

Abusers routinely call their victims scumbag, dickhead or sissy.

She blames you for her violence, puts you down, calls you names and makes threats against you.

Over time, the victim no longer believes he deserves to be treated with respect and he blames himself for her violence.

For some survivors of domestic violence, the emotional abuse may be more difficult to heal from than the physical abuse.

5. Control

Abusers are very controlled and very controlling people. It might not always seem so but they are.

In time, the abuser will control every aspect of the victim’s life: where he goes, how he wears his hair, and whom he talks to. She may control the money and access to money.

Abusers are also very controlled people. While they appear to go into a rage or be out of control we know they are very much in control of their behavior.

These are the reasons we know his behaviors are not about anger and rage:

• She does not physically attack other individuals – the boss who does not give her time off or the gas station attendant that spills gas down the side of her car.
• She waits until there are no witnesses and abuses the person she says she loves.
• Ask yourself if she can he stop when the phone rings or the police come to the door? If she were truly “out of control” she would not be able to stop herself when it is to her advantage to do so.

The abuser very often escalates from pushing and shoving to hitting in places where the bruises and marks will not show. If she were “out of control” or “in a rage” she would not be able to direct or limit where his kicks or punches land.

Recognizing an abuser is a skill that every decent sensitive man needs to have..