In the Abuser’s Controlling Mind

12 Responses

  1. Dezzie says:

    I have been dealing with all of these things from the father of my 2 youngest daughters. I ended the relationship 6 years ago an still have been trying to co-parent with him. He went to jail on 3 different occasions for assaulting me but I always speak up for him when the DA talks to me in court. The most recent occasion was a few weeks ago when he was at my home and he ended up assaulting me and my oldest daughter who isn’t his. Now he has a court date at the end of August for assault on female an misdemeanor child abuse.Cps got involved because i took my daughter to the hospital to make sure she was OK. He told me today that we needed to talk about this up coming court case because I could loose everything too because I am in a program that helps domestic violence survivors. He said because he knows where we stay i would be losing everything too. because he is facing 6 months or better in jail. I want to know is this another form of manipulation for him to make me speak up for him in court? I would really appreciate your honest feedback. Thanks

  2. Anon says:

    I have and am experiencing this. My abuser is currently trying to take my child from me through the courts as a means to have control.

    • Charles says:

      This quite a common method to try and control.

    • Anon says:

      Mine already did. Amazing – I had physical custody for many years but then I remarried, abusive ex lost his job around the same time and suddenly, he AND our teenage children were claiming I abused them. CPS said it was a strategy to gain custody. The courts let him take them anyway. 🙁

  3. lee says:

    I can relate to nearly everything in the article. I have left my abuser but he still threatens me. I still feel scared of him even though he isn’t with me. Hopefully one day I wont feel scared.

  4. Charles says:

    Try and avoid him as much as is possible. Healing does take time.
    Take care.

  5. Ceren says:

    I’m leaving my psychotic partner have a criminal law on him in 2 accounts which has brought him I think to his reality .I’m leaving moving house don’t want police social services> Have warned him not to mess with me.

  6. anon says:

    pressure in society tells you women have to be married to be normal to fit a status quo but not when so many men abuse its better to be alone than suffer daily

  7. Ge says:

    I chose to retaliate by giving them some of their own medicine. I became their ‘abuser’. Not by using lies and ‘black-mouthing’ you behind your back all the time which you weren’t aware off.
    But by skillfully confronting them with the consequences of their abuse, deciet and coning.
    I managed to ruin some carreers by exposing them and instill constant fear in some of them by never letting them (legally) know where the attacks came from. They could have had some suspicion but were never able to pin-point their attacker. And if I did attack straight away in some occosions I always was carefull not to cross lines that could be presumed or used as illegal to attack me in return. I always only spoke facts and my truth direct or indirect.

    Not that I in anyway expected them to change their ways. I already knew for sure they never would.
    It was just that I didn’t accept the damage they’d done to me and walk away from it without consequences all those years.
    Me trying to stay reasonable, forgiving and loving all the time while they were using and abusing this attitude constently.
    I got very, very depressed many times by their abuse.
    I just took it without real questioning and fighting back against the abuse and injustice.

    The moment I started fighting back and decided it was some ‘pay-back’ time, things started to change for me.
    I started to feel a lot better. Initially with the (by them) induced guild-feelings it was very hard (especially with my mother) but rather soon it became relieving acting my anger and frustrations towards them out.

    Not with the goal to force any change or reconsilition with them. I was already far beyond this point happily.
    It was just to give them something back of their own medicine. Just to let them expierence some consequentes of their abuse behavior. Just to show them they not always can walk away without consequences.
    But above all; to get it of my chest and divert the blame and abuse where it belonged; on them.

    I know it has no use to retaliate if you still have any expectation this will changes their ways or personality.
    Or you still somewhere hope your actions will bring your abuser to understand you better and will reply with sad or other messages.

    When you undertake this you must be complete sure you never ever want to be involved with this person again. Now it’s only about you. Getting your sence of self-esteem back. Setting things straight by not let them walk away without any consequences as far as you’re concerned.
    I know they don’t mind or won’t change but will remember you as someone who made their lives more uncomfortable in the end. They will be a bit more cautious with their next victim and even more paranoid.

    But that’s not your concern to deal with anymore once you retaliated and closed all doors to the past.
    Now it’s time to focus on your self again. On your needs and wants instead of those of your abusers.

    Retaliation by using- and speaking my truth finally allowed me to let those abusers behind me. It was a necessary phase for me.
    It got me out of my years long depression and suffering under those people and re-established my feelings of self-worth and dignity.

    So, fight back where you can! Don’t leave those bastards of the hook without consequences if you can.
    Never take any responsibility for their misbehavior!

    • Charles says:

      Never take any responsibility for their misbehavior is a good attitude. I hope this worked for you.
      It is not the best way for most people. Getting help to erase the abuser from one’s mind and soul is the most effective way to go for most people. But what is a common need, is to wipe the memory of that person out of your mind as much as possible.

  8. Emma says:

    I came out of a emotional and physical abusive relationship. I had no job and hardly any money. He would refuse to care for my child so I couldnt work. I had to have 22 weeks worth of therapy and now on the path of being independent. I do feel though that he is going to try and crawl back to me in the future. I will refuse. But it does worry me. If you are in the same boat. Please leave. Get some advice. The hardest part is leaving and starting fresh but its worth it in the end.

    • Charles says:

      Yes it is hard. But thank you for your advice. The best way in the long run is to get therapy to help get the person wiped out of your mind. then try and get on with life free, and wiser.

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